2 days, 7 hours, 39 minutes, 18 seconds apart

2 pictures, 2 days, 7 hours, 39 minutes, 18 seconds apart, no relation.

hutchison house

cold spring, ny

jackson family collection

i shot a warehouse of jackson family belongings awhile back for people magazine. the pictures have been buried as a lawyer got me scared to publish them till the items sold again or MJ went to jail. after not being able to license them to a place willing or able to publish them, i decided i'd slowly leak them here....

(the lawyer advised the watermark, really. silly, but a true story, these are the only pictures you'll see me watermark here, partly cause i am scared of what the lawyer will call/say to/about me if he knows i didn't, partly because it's so funny. if you don't believe what the [very good] lawyer says about photographers, call one and describe your business practices, see what they call you).

11/25/07 - HRH

helen rose hutchison - 1 day shy of 11 weeks.

one baby = four cameras, more to come, someday... pictures that is, more babies isn't up to me.


take a peek and a listen

11/23/07 - k & k

11/23/07 - the holt family

noella and carl and mindy. mother and father and sister of my friend KREG.

kreg - 11/4/05, his wife kate - 1/14/06.


With Out You

1/3/07 - LM

the next to last time i ever saw you.

peter ment

i found this polaroid this week cleaning my journal table.

the polaroid is a picture of peter ment. peter died in the summer of 2004. he was a friend of friends and he helped me on a few shoots. i didn't know him that well, but i always enjoyed his company, he reminded me that it should all be fun when i got stressed out on some silly shoot by simply laughing at me, in a good way, at least i thought so. i wish i could remember what this shot is from, but at the moment as i write this, i cannot remember. i can remember almost every frame i ever took of anything, how i lit it, where it was, who it was, but this one is escaping me. there's a chance i set it up and never shot it, i do this often. either way, i am glad i found this one polaroid.

the polaroid is the modern day equivalent to the deguerrotype. this object is a picture, a one of a kind, a tangible, touchable one of a kind that was once in the same room, place and moment at the same time as the photographer, and more importantly, the subject. present in its physicality at the time of its creation by its very nature.

i remember sitting right here at my computer when my friend sitting on my couch got a phone call, i knew after hearing just a bit of the conversation, it was bad news, but not what it was or who it was about till he was off the phone. it all felt so unreal and took a long time to sink in.

i went to his eulogy. it was given by stéphane sednaoui who knew peter pretty well, it was beautiful.

11/16/07 - shirin

M&M - Thanksgiving Shootout

my last tournament of the year. i only went as i needed to shoot 150 more targets to get my 3000 competition target year goal, well, i thought i did. it turns out i added all wrong, so i ended up shooting 3150, oh well.

i got up early saturday so i could sleep some the night before sunday's comp. no luck, i was up all night. get the car at 630am and hit the road. i got to M&M, shot the warm up and hit the course. it was the usual hard, challenging and skill testing targets M&M throws, it's unlike any other place. i shot the course out of order, going to where the lines to shoot are the shortest. it was cold and not too crowded, only the big names and usual crowd were there, it was odd, it felt like a family of shooters i had gotten to almost know simply from seeing all year all over the country. the north east guys from nationals and all the PA, NY, NJ crews. i dropped a target at station after station, i couldn't get one run perfect, even the non easy but 'easy' stations. then i ran a 5 of 6 at a few hard stations, stations i watched master class guys shoot and drop a couple. watching those targets scared me a little, i had no idea how to hit them, but i stepped in and called pull and pulled the trigger. at one, i could barely see the midi (smaller then normal) off in the distance doing odd things, but after pulling the trigger and waiting, the fucking thing broke. i tried not think and repeat. 5 of 6 station after station. nice. that one midi, it broke with a delay, meaning i shot, there was time, then i saw it break, WOW. at another station i watched person after person fall apart and never find this one target, even one or two of the masters i admire, again in line in front me struggled, yet i somehow got a 5 of 6. i caught up to a guy i speak with who always is winning master trophies, he asked what i did at the one and his jaw dropped when i said 5 of 6, NICE. in the end, i only ran 3 stations with no miss, 6 of 6 twice and an 8 of 8. final score = 80/100. i nailed my goal. not on purpose, i wanted an 80-85 and never count as i go, but damn i'll take it. i made mistakes, but there was no disaster station or meltdowns and only one target i never broke out of 32 different presentations. at M&M, i'll say that with a little pride, but still got lots of work to do.

main event - 2nd place of 9, lost by one target, got 2nd over 3rd by one target, one crystal trophy and $54, no punches.


FITASC
fitasc is shot on 2 different courses or parcour of 25 shots each for a total of 50 shots, those 25 shots on each parcour are the same targets, just shot from 3 different places or pegs and the gun must be low or not ready on your shoulder till the target is in the air, then the shooter may move and attempt to break the target. i started on parcour two, i found it hard even though the targets appeared easy. i only got a 17, i would later learn a few guys ran the parcour with a perfect 25, damn. then i shot parcour one, the tragets looked harder and were faster and further and one a small midi way way way out there on a weird flight, shit. in the end i rocked it, sort of, a 21 of 25. WOW, its like it wasn't me shooting, the high of the day was 23, i was only 2 off the best score of this course, that's saying something. so i had a combined of 38 of 50.

first place of 3, one large glass trophy. dunno about $, but no punches. dammit. i finished the year 2 punches shy of B class after starting in E.

there were only 3 in my class, but my score would of had me 2nd in B, 3rd in A and middle of the pack in master.

i waited around to get my trophy, CHECK THE VIDEO. fitasc was still shooting, so i had to wait and see how i did, i fell asleep under the animal heads on the wall, i have no idea how long i was asleep, prolly only minutes but it felt like it could of been hours, but i had been up over 30 hours by now. i awoke to a shootoff announcement, watched the sick shooting for tie breaks, grabbed my huge ass fitasc trophy and hit the road....


it was a good day.


i won two trophies for shooting clay frisbees with a shotgun, i'll never underestimate the wonderful silliness of this joy. i now have 5, 4 of which are from M&M. yeah, you're jealous....

fred thompson

yeah, that fred thompson. i took these in 1996 (i think). it's a really long story about what the event was and i cannot even really give a clear explanation, other then that my father was involved quite a bit in the politics around chattanooga for a bit and my mother helped do the production of the conference itself.

that's fred thompson shaking my mother's hand with congressman zach womp on the left looking on, yeah, you read that right, that's his real name, he also lived across the street from my parents at the time.

that's my father getting his grip and grin with the then senator.

i lived in san francisco at the time and my parents flew me in to be the 'photographer.' needless to say i don't think they were all that thrilled with my approach and style of image, but i still think THE SUMMIT is one of the more interesting things i have ever made.

GO SAUNDERSJONATHAN.COM HERE

then HISTORY > THE SUMMIT


there he is again during the conference, it was like fish in a barrel, everywhere i looked there was somehting to make a picture of. yes, that's the shadow of my head and hand on the camera, good thing i shave my head.

i also kept trying to get a photograph of Mrs. Zach Womp (the congressman's wife from across the street). everytime she saw me, she would literally hide behind someone or walk away. she did this somewhat playfully as she hated having her picture taken, yet was after all married to a congressman and i was the weird kid from across the street.

at one point, she grabbed the camera and asked why no one was taking my picture, didn't i know how annoying it was? so i handed her the mamiya 7 and made one of the suits next to her hold the flash, battery and cables and smiled, behold my greatness:


that's me, about 22 years old. such a mess. i didn't have a button down or tie, i had to get them in tn when i got there. i also had no proper undershirt, so feel those t-shirt sleeves peeking out the rolled up button down sleeves. the best part, is that it was a printed t-shirt, the design showed through the back, i wish i remembered what it was. i ended up shooting with 2 mamiya 7's as the one i rented from SF was a lemon, the flash wouldn't fire from the hot shoe or PC sync, i got to chattanooga and had to drive to atlanta and rent a second body. so i shot the whole 2 days with one lens and two bodies, always having one ready to go with fresh 220. i was only there maybe 72 hours, yet i have an entire 2 inch binder bursting with film from the trip, mostly the conference, the rest, the usual.

most of it looked thru or printed, but everytime i go through that binder, i find more and more fabulousness.

my brother doug (charles)

doug, tennessee + doug, texas.

i keep finding photographs of my brother looking up at the trees, i was unaware i was doing this till i found this one of him in tennessee. it was actually taken a couple years prior to the texas one i posted awhile back, but it got lost in the edits. i am sure there are others, i just haven't randomly come across them yet.

i only found the TN one looking back in negs over 10 years old.

daniel chung - (green story)

Daniel C. Chung, CFA
Chief Executive Officer, Chief Investment Officer, Portfolio Manager
Daniel C. Chung is Chief Executive Officer and Chief Investment Officer of Fred Alger Management and The Spectra Funds. He has over 13 years of experience and has been with Alger since 1994. Dan was named Chief Investment Officer in September 2001, President in 2003, and CEO in 2006. He is Portfolio Manager of the Alger MidCap Growth, Alger Health Sciences, Alger LargeCap Growth, and Alger Small and MidCap Growth portfolios. Dan attended Stanford University and earned his J.D. from Harvard Law School in 1987. After completing law school, he served a one-year term as Judicial Clerk for the Hon. Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, United States Supreme Court. He joined Simpson Thacher and Bartlett in New York City in 1989 and earned an L.L.M. from New York University. Dan is a CFA charterholder.

that's from fred alger's site. all i can add is that he is an avid collector of photography and was a nice guy to shoot, well, that and the strobes hurt his eyes.

5/22/98

i get asked about this one often and it just came up again randomly another way. i shot it when i first moved to nyc in 1997 or early 1998 at a charles gatewood party. all i knew at the time is that was some sort of blood letting ceremony. one night i stapled it in the journal and started writing on the page next to it the most amazing part of the whole thing to me which revolved around the color of dried blood more then the event itself. that story reminded me of another thing the same color made me think of, and on and on and on.

to see it larger, click below:
MAY 22, 1998
my journals are dated the day the page was made, not the content of the page itself.

i first got asked about it by a student at RIT, i sent her a larger file so she could read it, then i got a list of questions about my journals in general for a class of hers, it's all posted below, it is from 2005.

the other day i got this link from JOHN asking me if i knew about this film yet, i still don't know if he connected the dots to ask me or if it was random, either way, it circled back to this picture again.

see why below:
UNSPEAKABLE
the artist profiled in the trailer is the one i photographed that night.

erika stupi interview:

1. How long did it take?

Well, the journal on my site I believe is actually a compilation of 3 different journals. The first page is 1997, the last is 2003. Each journal here started as an 11x14 sketch book that had 100 pages. I most often work on one two page spread at a time, but not always. So a spread may take an hour or two, 10-12 hours, a couple days, and some I even altered right up to the "end." The dates I made the spreads are underneath them on the site.
This would be a good spot to answer how it all started. I left RIT after winter quarter of 1995, lived with my parents in PA/TN for a month or two before essentially running away to SF, CA. When I was at RIT I was immersed in photography and all the processes that it involves. A had a small circle of friends where we would actually blow off classes to go photograph, or hit the archives to explore some new book we heard about. I often showed up for class when I remembered to even go with a box of prints that had nothing to do with the assignments, but rather road trip pictures, landscapes, or way to many pictures of whoever I happen to be in love with at the time wether involved with her or not. Needles to say my grades and such reflected this even though I practically lived in the photo building working and sleeping wherever. While I always had a "portfolio" it was the random boxes of pictures where my heart truly was that I would share with friends, professors, whoever.
So by the time I got to SF, where I still couldn't tell you why I went, I didn't know anyone. Out of loneliness and longing for that shared passion of picture talk/life talk, I started writing letters to a friend on polaroids, prints, bus stubs, whatever I could find. Later it evolved into painting on pictures, colleges, etc. I realized I was doing so many and mailing something every few days, I should just get a little blank book, then mail the book when finished.
So the first one, journal one, was started 6/21/96 and finished about the end of March 1997. It really was a long letter, completed and mailed to a very specific friend, written for him all along, but only completed and mailed after the birth of his first baby. It would also happen that the day I did the most pages, something like 20 pages in one night, later turned out to be the day his daughter was born. So the journal/letter was sort of a present for them all.
Every journal since is now given away upon completion. Almost every one has had a similar experience, one day I did a spread on a friend and his girlfriend only to learn later that night the had proposed to his girl that day. Randomness coming full circle. Usually by the time I am half way through one, I know who I will give it too.

2. Process

Well the above answer may have eluded to it a little, but there isn't much of one really. I have a table in my place where I work on them. There is a board I put up images on that I like, think about, or are for some goofy reason are important to me. I also have a few boxes around holding similar images and objects. Sometimes I work on it often, sometimes, months or even a year goes by without touching it. The motivator can be love, boredom, anger, lust, jealousy, confusion, all the same bizarre simple reasons we all have for doing any of things we do. There is no one way I approach it. Often there will be a certain image the whole spread hinges on, so I may place an image down and start going through all the random other images around the tables, boxes or my head that may for one reason or another strike a chord, then begin. The text sometimes matters and sometimes does not, its usually relevant to the images although sometimes it may just be something I thought of as I was working away and felt I should include. Rarely do I have a finished idea or look in my mind. I feel it all works or works out because in the end the result isn't really the point, its the process itself that matters and what I take away from that process of creating that is rewarding and important to me. This is also why it feels so good to give as a gift to a friend later. The most rewarding thing I feel I have ever done is give away something that once, if even for a moment, was the most important, emotional, beautiful thing I ever made.

3. How long, how many?

Well the first started in 1996 and I have one on the table now, so almost 10 years. There are 4 completed. All given as gifts to a friend. The first, took just short of a year, I have no real copies of other than a point and shoot snap of every spread. The person I gave it to and I haven't even spoken in almost 6 years. The second one, which I completed in only about 40 days, I have random copies of, and again am no longer in contact with the person that received it. The third, took a couple years was actually given back to me, so I actually have that one. The fourth also took a few years, but was color copied and re-photographed, then given away more recently. Relationships get messy, sometimes its my fault, sometimes its theirs, either way, its my way of telling someone that at this particular moment in time, I am glad you are my friend and that without you, I wouldn't be who I am.... good or bad, love or hate.

4. Front/back cover.

Depending on which covers, its always different. All 4 that are done had a self portrait of one kind or another. It was me, doing something about me and the whatever in my head, so it always made sense. I sill photograph myself all the time. None of the covers are actually on my main site.

5. Woman in the red sweater.

The woman in the red sweater is a fellow student from when I was at RIT. I probably made the photographs of her in 1994, and then made the page in 1997. Often the material I use is older or new images that mean a great deal to me, but have no other place in my books, portfolios, etc. Just because there is no definable place for an image, doesn't mean it isn't as important to me as another. I see all my work as a collective, some are more successful than others, but that doesn't make the odd ones unimportant to me. The journal is a perfect place for such images.
She was a girl I really liked and was trying to get to date me. I talked her into letting me shoot her, we went for a walk and I shot the pictures that are in the journal. I was of course broke, so its on outdated E-6 film I shot and then crossed processed. It was before digital took off, so I spent all my time in F series printing pictures of her. The KO all over the page is her initials, I had heard she married some rich guy, so it brought up all the goofy feelings cause nothing ever came of us. The red is ink soaked up by the the paper after scratching the text into the emulsion of the print. The image on the left is yellow pavement ink spilled on rocks/weeds by the side of the road, shot with an 8x10 camera, also on outdated chrome cross processed, and the other images are form a contact sheet, one of trees and one of an image from a book project, it is a shot of my mother.
The text says her initials, "I really miss you but you married someone else," ''do you ever think of me," and "touch. " The touch refers to that extra pic, it is a pop up spread of three other shots I took that day of her, I keep all my test strips and reject prints.

6. Blood

Not to long after I got to NYC, a friend of mine got to meet and photograph Charles Gatewood. He is a fetish photographer I had known about a long time. (When I was a RIT, and every other library or good store, rather than look up a book, I would simply go down the shelves book by book, I found a lot of curious stuff that way) My friend and Gatewood had a good shoot, so Gatewood invited him to a party thrown for a new book of his. My friend invited me. Many of the people in Gatewoods photographs were at the party. It was a blood letting in the basement of the club, I also shot a human pin cushion and a whipping ceremony. (On the history section of my site, you'll see I'll shoot anything from portraits to events, I just love making pictures)
So the woman in the shot carved that shape in his back with a scalpel, then they made out in his blood. Meanwhile there were like 10 photographers and a room full of people watching. The text starts with a brief little thought/story about that night, then proceeds to go into other thoughts or memories about blood, then the color red itself.
I will try to find and attach a scan of the text so you can read it.

7. Boy in bed/Family on porch

The boy and the family photographs are from an assignment I did for US News & World Report on pesticide poisoning. It was one of the toughest assignments and weeks of my life. That being said, it was also a remarkable week in the power of the work, the openness of strangers, and just how hard and beautiful life is.
I had just been dumped by my girlfriend about a month before I got the job. I was in one of the most fragile, upset, hurt, and lost moments of life, even still. The girl, EAST, is in many the journals, that's not her name obviously, just how I refer to her in the journals, I still haven't been in love like that since.
So I got a call from US News, there is a chemical in almost all home pesticides that some people have horrible reactions to, I had to drive from NYC to Baltimore, do a still life of the chemicals in a "typical" home garden shed. Fly to West Virginia, photograph a boy who after being exposed became a quadriplegic on a respirator, then fly to Indiana to photograph a family where both the brother and sister reacted badly and are now and forever severely disabled, then go to the manufacturer of the chemicals itself and photograph the guys in charge on the business end and the research end. So I got to meet the effected and the guys in charge of the chemicals, both sides. I had no assistant and was alone throughout the job.
It was a tough week. The little girl I spent the day with watching her go through a whole day, it was tough to see. Then later that evening setting up the shot on the porch, the father came out and shared a beer and pizza and with me, he opened up to me on a level I bet he never had with anyone about what is was like to watch his kids fall apart. Broke my heart really, but to be shared with that way, on that level, was so special. The little boy on the bed was a similar situation. I only had time to do a quick portrait, the one in the journal, but again, his step father helped me pack my gear and told me stories about their lives I will never forget.
It was an amazing week, one moment fighting and crying on the phone with EAST after she dumped me, the next, watching these amazing families fight the corporation that hurt their kids, then photographing the people at the corporation, it changed my life and showed me a world I had never seen.
About a year after I did the story, I heard on the TV news that the chemical had been altered due to side effects in children. So I still think about those kids/families all time. The page was created sometime in between it all. The kid photographs and then on the left are polaroids of me testing lights without an assistant on a business magazine job and on the right, polaroids of an assistant I had a crush on for another business magazine job.

8. Money/woman

The woman in the photograph is again, EAST. We dated almost a year, she was a several years older than me, had dated many richer/more successful guys, and always had a way of reminding me about that. She was used to a life that I could simply not provide. Money was a huge issue. I always felt had I been more successful or richer, our relationship would have had a better chance. Who knows of course, life gets messy, it may have mattered, it may not. I just really missed her the night I made that page, used the money for the background, stapled one of the few intimate photographs of her she let me take on there, and the other page lists things I missed about her, some good, some bad.

9. 3.17.01/yellow page

After EAST dumped me, the mutual friends we had in common got messy. I had a good friend, the recipient of journal #3, that I simply stopped talking to because they stayed friends, he of course tried to not choose sides, but just seeing him reminded me of her. It all got weird and I sort of withdrew into work and wasn't social for a long time. That page is emails exchanged between me and friends about life, love and pictures, random stories of trying to move on by internet dating I was doing, and a few stories revolving around those kind of experiences.
The yellow page is a story of the first time I saw EAST, a year after we broke up, it was St. Patrick's Day at that same friends house.

10. The subjects

Obviously by now it is lovers, friends, assignments and family. Really anything or anyone I photograph. Most everyone in the journals knows me pretty well and the kind of stuff I do. I never actually asked anyone how they felt about being in it, I simply assumed that if they are letting me photograph them, they are more than aware of who I am and the things I make. I always found it really flattering that someone cared enough about me to take my picture, I can only hope they feel the same, many I believe do.
The people that know me well who are in it, I always assumed understood that they are in my life because they are important to me and part of this extended family that I really love. I never put this up or even created pages to hurt anyone. It pretty obvious that's all about me, from my perspective, and for most part, it just makes people think I am the crazy one.

Now that being said, and in these days and times with the internet, and those that all the sudden realize they or something that happened with me is written down and shared, has created problems. I have no idea if EAST has ever even seen all this, maybe yes, maybe no, I will never know. Honestly, I half expect a letter from a lawyer over it all someday, but who knows. I am not the type to get a release from everyone that I shoot, its just not the kind of person I want to be. If and when a true problem arises, I can only know what to do in a particular situation.

There is one friend I have lost over the journal. There's a person that is mad about a page she is on that had been one of my best friends for 10 years. Some things happened to both her and I, I wrote about them in my journal, and she freaked out that it was written down and never spoke to me again. The odd part is, she's never read it. The page is on my site, but is not readable. When I made the decision to put my journals/letters online, it was clear that 99% of the text cannot be read. I did not alter anything, its simply a low resolution. Now the tough part is that everyone I know, including her, know my life is an open book, it gets into really grey areas when a conversation is spoken versus when that conversation is written down and shared. The same can be said for photographs. More so in my opinion. Photography basically is another language, the right photograph displayed and presented alone or with others, can be more of novel then text, you just have to know how to read it.

I regret that I lost this friend over a journal page. I regret that she got so hurt without ever reading it. It's hard to know what to do or say. In the years since we've not spoken, I have also realized that maybe she wasn't actually that good a friend in the first place. Whose to say? The situation is that it is my life too, is her experience more important or is mine, at what point do you censor your work or your mind or feelings for others? The page is still on my site, it still cannot be read. She's still never read it. I stand by it.

11. Backgrounds

The backgrounds come about many different ways. The most common is just to get rid of that blank white of the sketchbook. I usually know what at least the first large image will be and go off that. I use ink, paint, markers, stickers, whatever odd paper or material I come across. All the images in all the journals are mine. If the image isn't, it says so. I use stamps a great deal, usually when I miss someone that is in the image.

12. LM

LM stands for Lora Marie. I met her in January 2002 online. We dated three years. I have only had a few serious relationships in my life, the one with LM was the most loving and caring and mutual one. I photographed her more so than anyone else I have ever known. There is more of us on my site if you go to History, LM in red. I have more work of her than I know what to do with and projects with her I have yet to share. I still love her in a way in a way I am yet to understand.
Most of the text in the last pages is simply location, time, and little things, one of which says "I cannot keep a secret. " I would need to know a specific page you are after I suppose.
She knew all to well about the journal. Early in our relationship, I once woke up and she was reading it. I let her, as I pretty much do for anyone. There is stuff in there that is hard to read, I dunno if I would have wanted to read hers if she kept one. I am glad she did on a certain level, what better way to understand who I am and what I feel. It made for some hard conversations, but I believe we got closer because of it. She's never said a bad thing about being in it other than my edit, she of course likes one where she looks "prettier" or whatever, but that again too is all relative, I don't think I could even make one of her where she isn't beautiful....

the other thursday night

3 pictures in one hour. i went to a concert tonight, i never do this, i can count on one hand how many i have been to, even after tonight. a last minute invite and no real reason to say no. i was early, walk around, stop, play with phone, look up, see tree, take picture of tree. get there, go in, get handed a beer, i never drink, well, i almost never, still never been drunk. beer in a cup at a concert, i didn't want to hold it, so i shot glassed it, set plastic cup on bar. watch first 2 songs, go to bathroom, see door and orange wall, take picture of orange wall and door. i had never met the girl before, she's a friend of a friend, so i see if i can make her smile and make small talk over band, she showed me her belt buckle, i laughed, watched band play a song, then reached over, lifted her shirt, snapped the buckle. she didn't flinch, neither did the door or the wall or the tree, it was a nice night.

LVSC & nationals update

stole/received/got these from nate of me at LVSC, so weird to see myself shooting and not have it be from my own pictures, gotta love seeing the shot spray the water after breaking a target.


even got one from dad of me at nationals during the 5 stand meltdown, also, it seems the results i posted weren't official. i ended up lower in most, but higher in one:

31 of 183 in the MAIN
80 of 119 in the 5 STAND
27 of 63 in the FITASC

and

11 of 166 in the KRIEGHOFF KUP, damn, awards went out to 10th, 1 fucking target short of $, trophy and punches to move up in class. maybe the weird squad kept my mind off my shooting, or maybe they cost me that one target, no way to ever know.

DAMN.

and in a contest i forgot about (that awarded nothing to my class):

9 of 50.

the Browning ALL AROUND, meaning all 4 events combined. damn, so i did get top 10 in one event at nationals, go figure... the 'awards' at the bottom are hat pins, everyone got one just for participating. the nationals pin has the number of years you have competed in the nationals.

texas

my parents back porch view

texas.

ouch

i never understand or get or even have the faintest idea what the pictures i make mean to those around me, i am always so far off the map. i know what they mean to me, so i assume they actually mean the same thing to those i give them to or made them of.

not true.

i met her online almost two years ago, now we've been apart awhile and we both seem to be lost and lonely again looking for new love in the same old place. i made the mistake of looking at her profile and found pictures of her i made and celebrated, used for her to meet someone that is not me.

ouch.

she hated having her picture taken, to the point it would make her cry if i even pointed my camera at her, so i felt lucky to have this one, it was the only picture of her she ever let me put up on my wall. now she put it up on the internets wall for everyone to see how i saw her because she no longer wanted me looking at her.

ouch.

i spent a ton of money getting a different picture printed and framed to give her once. it was the most special thing i knew how to make or do for her at the time. i left it in her apartment to surprise her. i never heard a word about it again other then she had never seen a picture framed that way before and she didn't know when the picture was from (a project about her i had even put online). i am not sure where she put it, i don't think it ever got fully unwrapped and is sitting in the back of a closet somewhere with the other storage with her air conditioner. later, when i got mad and hurt as we parted, i asked for it back. i had never really done anything like that before that i can remember, but for some reason, other then just being mad and bitter, i wanted it back. i usually give things away for how it makes me feel and forget i ever did it at all, never caring to a certain extent what the recipient actually did or thought of it, but to see this one gift, for her, being about what it was about, get pretty much no reaction of any kind at all, from her in that moment i gave it or when i asked for it back, was just too much this time, i'd rather burn it then have it unloved or unnoticed in her closet for the next guy to find or for her to stumble across and throw away someday when she moves. i am not so happy with myself for asking for it back, it's all the things you'd imagine it is, x2, but it made sense at the time.

ouch.

11/10/07

pennsylvania = true love.

by chance, i ended up at LVSC on the absolute last day i could of my membership. nice. it was the first time i shot clays not in a tournament in months, it was fun, i still didn't shoot very well, seems i really have forgotten everything. i am 100 competition targets short of my goal for the year, that's only one tournament, i cannot decide if i should go or not to the last one of the year at M&M next sunday....

drive

fly

a more terrifying experience, each and everytime, for the actual experience, the people and the service.

nationals - the C5 galaxy

i lived in san antonio, tx for three years growing up, 7,8,9 grade. san antonio is an air force town and is exploding with military of all sorts to this day. during the years i lived there, everytime a plane or jet went over, i had to run to the windows and look and see what it was, within the first month i lived there i could identify them all on site and before i left texas, i had books and manuals sent to me by the manufacturers (pre-internet, i had written them all letters requesting any non-classified information i could get my hands on, almost all of them sent me 3 rings binders of information. from apache helicopters to F-15's, i had a library).

this hasn't stopped, well the looking part anyway. 911 changed the site of a plane in the sky forever, yet my fascination is still there, even with my new fear of flying and absolute hatred of the commercial airline industry and it's treatment of its customers.

at nationals, for some reason, other then the once or twice a day flyover of paired fighter jets, there was a C-5 almost always around somewhere up there and almost everytime i could i wasn't actually shooting, i had to snap it. even when i couldn't hear it, i'd think i hadn't seen one in awhile, so i would look, sure enough, here one would come, making shadows on clouds, disappearing in them and around them or simply sitting there against that blue sky, daring you to understand how something so fucking big can actually get off the ground.


texas also reminds me in a whole new way, how little my everyday life is simply uneffected by the war. i don't know any one thats been there, no one i know does either. texas is a reminder, there are active military people all around, planes in the sky, bases, signs to get to bases. walmart drove it home the most, i don't really care about the politics of walmart or not, but there just past the registers was a bulletin board of pictures of some lost locals for people to bring in and post, it stopped me in my tracks.

it didn't appear to be sponsored by walmart and i actually tried to avoid the 'who' behind it, just something on a wall somewhere in our everyday that reminded me how to so many, it is the most personal thing they have ever felt, so much so they had to bring in a photograph and staple to the wall at the fucking walmart.

it was beautiful.

nationals -1- day one

register + practice. shot the practice course, the hard practice course, 2.5 times. you rock these clays, you will do well.

so i tried to rock them and otherwise soak in the complex, this place is one insane mecca of shotgun love. this event is the largest sporting clay event in the world.

671 acres.
6 sporting clay courses, 8 FITASC parcours, 8 competition 5 stands, 4 practice 5 stands, 45 skeet fields and 47 trap fields.

target count for the day = 250 practice, 250 total.

give a listen to some SIGHTS AND SOUNDS of nationals.

nationals -2- day two - orange

orange course, 57 of 75. i dropped about 5 targets from being an ass, the rest were just hard or at the limits (or beyond) my ability. got a great squad, 2 guys from southern cali and one from utah, all master class, all seemingly fun loving yet serious, perfect....

as of 8:44PM TX time, i am in 9th place, C class of approx 150 C class shooters, but it's only day one of 4.

the top score for master on the orange, 74 of 75. i wish i had the words for how sick this is.

target count = 75 registered + 25 practice = 100 = 350 total.

nationals -3- day two - krieghoff cup

wow, i had the worst squad ever, i don't even care if they read this, infact, i almost hope they do, i paid too much to do this with this kind of absolute ludicrously.

i am about to be mean, i almost hate myself for it, maybe i am just venting, fuck it, even though i am sure they meant well, here it is, as fact as i experienced it:

i was put on a squad of four. one dad, two sons, me. ok, cool, they all had on matching shirts and vests from a club i had heard of, so just before we started, my hopes were high. then we started, we started on station 6, a following pair of high rising trap shots, a tough pair, but they didn't do well, i did fair to poor. yikes. they had a golf cart for 2, but the three of them always squeezed in station to station, but this wasn't enough, the father, a spitting image of santa clause (only picture st nick homeless, dirty and sloppy around the edges) carried around a stool to sit on at each station, damn. i was walking but had to wait for them at each station, even when i was first, they took their sweet time to stroll up, often even holding up the squad behind us, each time i figured they catch on, they did not. older son walked around talking like a robot, i thought it was a joke at first, it wasn't, it seems thats just how he talks. younger son forgot his gun from station to station twice, yes, of course, the long transfer too. at one station, there was free ice cream handout, when the trio saw this, they left the station we were about to start to go get it and eat it, rather then eating it after, when no one would of had to wait on them, they ate, and made us all wait. boy one shot, boy two shot, i waited off to the side, trying to not let their oddness/rudeness effect me, father was shooting. earlier he had cut his arm somehow and was bleeding, not a small cut mind you, but at least 3 puncture wounds that were dripping blood, every so often he licked his fingers and rubbed the wounds. then he ate ice cream, all the while covered in sweat dripping through and around his neck, face and beard. why does this matter you wonder? well, i shot after him, so i walked over to the stand and gun rack to pick up my gun, it wasn't there. i knew i hadn't left it at the last stands rack. so it took me a second to realize what had happen. this santa motherfucker was using my gun, sweating on it, getting old ice cream on it, not to mention the cuts and general man dirt he was rubbing on it simply using it. it's one thing to maybe grab the wrong gun off a rack, but load it, mount, shoot 6 shots and not notice? YOU DUMB ASSHOLE, get your blood/ice cream/man goo off my gun...... i smiled it off and shot my station, i got a 6 of 6.

then the worst came out in me, but it was long overdue. i stepped into a stand and the two jackass sons were behind me, too close, talking loud, making loud noises, throwing rocks at each other (near the gun rack, i had already moved mine to avoid it being hit by a rock and so santa wouldn't touch it again) they were also slapping each other and on the verge of a fight.... i turned around and said excuse me, then again, excuse me, finally, EXCUSE ME, then they noticed, 'can you two stop, your fucking around is really distracting.' the trapper smiled and nodded at me in agreement, the jackasses shut it long enough for me to shoot. i shot and went to the next station.

the father came up to me and actually thanked me for shutting them up. he said it happens all the time and he was expecting someone to turn around and pop them some day......

what the fuck.

hard to know if they actually cost me targets, but fuck, was my first K cup and no fun was had, it was stressful, mostly because of the asshole squad, but the targets seemed to really test me too. i even hit 4 of the 8 at station 5, two midi, off a scissor lift at 30-40 yards+, damn.

worst squad EVER.

74/100.

as of 8:56PM TX time, i am 3rd place C class, half the C class has yet to shoot, this will have to stand for 72 hours, sigh.

target count = 100 registered + 75 practice = 175 = 525 total.

nationals -4- day three - green

was stoked for today. got there early, 75 practice birds on the long shots and fast crossers, they are in full effect all over, i got on them and got confident, and stopped practicing, the plan was 150, so when i realized i was on... done. got to my main station early, thanks to a random golf cart ride from a blonde lady shooter (nice). a few minutes before the start, the rest of my squad rolled up, we swapped man stories and shooting stories and got started. station 3 again, a left to right rabbit and a tricky slow crosser, also left to right. i rocked it, my first run station in the main in two days, finally.

the next station i dropped 3 of 8, then i proceeded to drop at least 3-4 per station. not a good day, in fact it was a disaster. many targets were just further/angled in a way i don't know how to shoot. many i do, but my confidence was gone, i felt i did things correctly, yet, no broken targets.

fuck.

42 of 75. there goes the main event.

as of 10:36PM TX time, i am in 40th place, C class of approx 150 C class shooters, it's day two of 4, i dropped 33 places today.

target count = 75 registered + 75 practice = 150 = 675 total.

nationals -5- day three - 5 stand event

added the 5-stand after my first day of comp, thought i was having fun. nope.... tried to snap out of my funk, yet it never happen, it was laughable. at one point, even with my parents watching, i missed the easiest pair ever that i hit all the time and even had the urge to throw the gun on the concrete and never shoot again, ever. i honestly didn't even care, give the gun to closest person, never shoot again, it would be fine with me at this point.

it was one of the 'easiest' 5 stands i have prolly ever shot, yet, i still screwed the pooch and missed practically everything, really.

65 of 100. if i had been 'awake', a 77-83 would of been more inline with my usual ability, i am a fucking ass. i did everything i could, stop caring, care more, have fun, get aggressive, nothing, and i mean nothing worked. targets only 10 yards away and right in front me, moving slow, may as well been 100 yards away. total fucking nightmare.

as of 10:43 PM TX time today, 46th place, not all C class have shot this event yet.

i think it's safe to say at this point, i may never compete again. too bad i have two days left i already paid for, i am debating if i should even bother.

i wanted to shoot 3000 targets in competition this year, i think i maybe 100-200 short, i could do that in one weekend somewhere near home, but fuck that goal too, i haven't accomplished any of my goals in this since april, this is sign....

target count = 100 registered + 50 practice = 150 = 825 total.

nationals -6- day three - shoot off

friday night at the stadium skeet field there was a shoot out of the top 14 guys in the world. it was too amazing to see for the shooting and the weirdness of the event itself, not only were the targets literally the hardest that could be thought of, true pairs, 40-50 yards out, doing crazy things, but in the middle of the hard ass targets, they set off bottle rockets, blew air horns, let balloons go and put pumpkins along the rabbit path, hit a pumpkin, pay $20 to charity as a penalty, it was ridiculous....

waiting to watch this, the announcer came on, there was to be a shoot out in each class for free cases of ammo in varying amounts. 6 people from each class to shoot it out. sitting there listening to the other class names being read, i somehow knew it was coming, but tried to block it out, as cool as it would be to be in a shoot out (i never have), i dreaded hearing my name, then it came, C class - jonathan saunders - seeming random (really, how?) out of the 150 or so in my class, my name got called, i got up from the bleachers and ran to the car, got my gear, got the shoot out field. there were maybe 100-200 peeps standing around to watch, 6 people, head to head, 10 targets, 5 pairs, everyone shoots the same, any ties, it keeps going. shit. why today, of all days? will fennell (big time pro shooter) handed me free sponsor shells to shoot, here we go, a left to right crosser and a trap riser, FUCK, why a trap, i missed like 50 of these all day long today, FUCK.

guy one went, 8 of 10, guy two, 9 of 10, guy three, 10 of 10, lady four, 7 of 10, me, 6 of 10, i dunno what the last guy got, i knew i lost 3rd place, the last spot that mattered and was packing to leave the area in front of all 400-600 eyeballs.

dammit. to top it off, will fennel called me 'big guy' as i left - he meant well of course, but i hate being called big guy, specially at this event, i am tiny at this event compared to most.

so i went back to watch the top dudes in the world duke it out among the fireworks/pumpkins/balloons, they make this look so fucking easy, it isn't, it's FUCKING hard, just like everything else.

i think at this point, i have a better chance of the cover of vogue, the NYT mag and VF, all the same month (right, hold your breath) then i do at getting any of the goals i set for the week accomplished.

when i drove away from the complex tonight, tears literally left my eyes. i am 34 and crying because i cannot hit a clay frisbee with a shotgun. yikes.

target count = 10 shoot off targets = 835 total.

watch Anthony Matarese JR ! PULL ! shoot

nationals -7- day four - FITASC parcour 1 & 2

50 of the first 100 targets in FITASC today, 33 of 50 broken. i entered this for the experience, no goals, just do my best. after yesterday, i just wanted to enjoy shooting again, it almost happen. FITASC is all about rules, gun mount, motions, target order, shooting from a hola-hoop like circle versus a shooting stand, etc. the referee in the beginning was a woman, this only matters as i find it funny that she chose to use pink chalk to mark my vest and others with the gun mount mark, drawing pink lines on tough guys with guns all day.... awesome.

there was a guy there on my squad from tennessee, bobby. playing with a duck call he made and dressed in head to toe brown and camo. the accent, the character, everything brought me back to when i lived in TN instantly, he was funny, smart and could shoot really well. the best thing about bobby, bobby brooks that is, is that you could tell he was having the time of his life and bursting with joy to be shooting. awesome.

target count = 75 practice + 50 FITASC = 125 = 960 total.

nationals -8- day four - yellow

sorta back on track, still made too many dumb mistakes, but a 56 of the 75 on yellow course today i can almost live with, anything after yesterday like this is winning the lottery. what sucks is i watched station 9 being shot by the guys ahead of me, even a couple of the big names, a fun looking rabbit target rolling along the ground at like 40 yards and screaming fast on report after a left to right curving away target. it looked fun. i saw many guys drop targets, it didn't look that rough and i was excited to shoot it. so what happens, i drop 5 of 8 there, so so so frustrating.... argh.

one day left, i crawled back up to 21st place after yesterdays meltdown, still kinda fucked, i need top 15 for a punch, $ or most importantly, a trophy at nationals.

target count = 75 main event = 1035 total.

nationals -9- day five - FITASC parcour 3 & 4

had more fun at FITASC today, still didn't do it well, but i did get a 20 of 25 on parcour 3, which had the harder/more fun targets, so that's something. 35 of 50 targets broken today. i was the runt of my squad though, that never feels good, the rest of the 6 of us were A class or B class, it shows. it always impresses me how accurate people's classes seem to be with their ability.

target count = 25 practice + 75 FITASC = 100 = 1135 total.

i ended up eating lunch with bobby brooks, the TN guy from yesterday. we were talking and i had already told him i was a photographer from NYC. i don't think he remembered my name, so he just kept calling me 'city.' he started off our conversation today with, 'you know city, i know a bunch of you city photographers.' i smiled, 'o yeah bobby?'

'i was in vogue even,' says bobby. i stopped eating and listened. turns out bobby either owns or runs or is somehow involved with the 800 acres of hunting/ranch land owned or used or run by faith hill and tim mcgraw. bobby said he's in the background holding the horses rains that faith is sitting on in vogue and is even in/around in others or at least involved in the production.... i asked if the crews that visit were nice to work with or a hassle, he said it's funny to watch them get all excited about shooting a gun or getting to ride a four wheeler, to which i laughed and explained how i want out of the city just so i can do those two things, he offered me a job, i dunno if he was joking or not... the world is small.

nationals -10- day five - red

dammit, not a complete meltdown, but close, a 47 of 75. the red course wasn't as hard or at least didn't feel as hard. i missed so many i shouldn't have. i just couldn't run a station of get in my groove. a 3 of 8 and a 3 of 6 at 3 stations killed all hopes, then my confidence was gone, i knew i had blown it and couldn't recover or stop thinking. i was surrounded by good shooters in front and back of me. i needed another day of high 50's to place. it never happen, the course went by fast, before i knew it, only a station or two left, then i finished with a 4 of 6 on my last station of the entire weekend, at least i hit the last 2 targets, a true pair off yet another scissor lift. dammit.

target count = 75 MAIN = 1210 total.

me & my main event squad.
it's over.


earlier, when i walked up to my starting stand on red today, the last day, i saw 3 PA guys there who i hadn't really seen all weekend. i panicked and thought i had made a mistake on my schedule. it was 3 guys i see at every single shoot i ever go to here in the northeast. they knew me from seeing me around, but we never actually met, even though i just shot behind one of them all day in NJ only 7 days before. well it turns out they had been sitting in WHATABURGER at around 2pm, when one turned to the other, 'when do we shoot, 3 or 330?' so the another one looks at their schedule, turns out they were to shoot at 1pm, they missed the start of their last day of the tourny. they then drove 100mph to the complex, got put on the squad behind me, their only penalty being MORON #1, MORON #2 and MORON #3 written on the top of their score cards.... it must help when the officials know you by name.

(from winning so much)

KIM SPOHN one of the 'MORONS' had a 72 of 75 on the red course.
R WAYNE DAVIS one of the 'MORONS' had a 97 of 100 in the 28 gauge.
STEPHEN EDMONDSON one of the 'MORONS' had a 98 of 100 in the 28 gauge.

if shooting like that is a being a moron, where do i sign up?

nationals -11- results

2007 National Sporting Clay Championships
National Shooting Complex, San Antonio, Texas
October 30 - November 4
Jonathan Saunders #914 - NSCA #554885

all results are for C class out of approximately 150 competitors:

MAIN - 202/300 - 23rd place

FITASC - 68/100 - 28th place

Krieghoff Kup - 74/100 - 12th place

5 Stand A-E - 65/100 - 73rd place

i wanted top 10 in the MAIN, this was the ultimate goal of the entire trip, it paid/punched/trophied out to 15th. i missed top 15 by only 5 targets and top 10 by 9 targets after 300 targets attempted.

the K-Kup paid/punched/trophied out to 10th, i missed this by one target and missed winning by 9 after 100 targets attempted.

FITASC and 5 Stand had no expectations, however my meltdown on friday is obvious in full force in the 5 stand, i should have had at least a score of 80, putting me in the top 10, not 73rd.

i shot 1210 12gauge shells, 600 in practice, 600 at registered targets, breaking 409.

no trophy, no punch, no money.

nationals -12- 3 random notes

7 shotguns on one maybe $150 gun rack = $100,000+

4 krieghoffs, 1 kemen, 1 berretta auto (plus paint job, ha), 1 browning.


if you are an albino yankee looking white boy in south texas, shooting the same direction all morning in the 90 degree november sun, wear sunscreen, everywhere.


if you're a 16 year old girl and from alaska, put a black skull and crossbones with bling eyeballs in your pink ear plug and out shoot everyone. (there were 2 girls from alaska kicking some ass, seems you can now even get scholarships to college for sporting clays, AWESOME. altho, it may as well be football or basketball, the kids down there can hold their own with the best if not out right beat everyone).

halloween, san antonio, texas

sidney, savannah, tammi, tiffani, charles, rhett, jonathan.