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June 1st, 2011

I Am Target®

I needed white pantyhose, I thought they would reflect more light. So I went to Target®.

I went to the hose section carrying my empty red basket. I started looking at all the different kinds up and down the isle and realized I had never bought pantyhose before. I remember however that once upon a time they were sold in what looked like Easter eggs and I missed that. I kept looking.

After a few moments of not finding white, I noticed a male Target® security guard coming towards me, dressed head to toe in black. Black cargo pants, black short sleeve button down with pockets on the chest, a sewn on badge of some sort in the shape of a shield, glasses, big black shoes, black hair and some sort of artfully sculpted facial hair. At this same moment from the other direction I noticed a female Target® employee coming towards me, khaki pants, red shirt, I got the impression this was her section, this pantyhose section.

I got uncomfortable. I thought they were coming to talk to me and I froze and stared down at my empty red basket. Instead, they both walked right by me and went to the dressing room area just behind me out of my sight.

I hear a knock knock knock.

“Sir, are you alright?” Said the male Target® security guard.


“Sir, are you alright?” Said the male Target® security guard. This time, much louder.

I hear a male voice,

“Um. Oh. Yes. Sir. I am okay. I am sorry, I was on the phone.”
(I had heard nothing).

“We’ve had some complaints.” Said the male Target® security guard.

Male voice,

“Oh. Okay. I’ll go.”

I stopped staring down at my empty red basket and went back to looking for what I came for, I still couldn’t find white hose. I turned and went to look on the end of the aisle display. Just as I did this, I noticed a red cart coming right at me, fast. I jumped to the side quickly to get out of its path. All I could see was red cart, high heels and blond hair barreling directly at me. At the last moment before impact, the cart swerved and went right by. As I looked I saw it was actually a man pushing this cart. Short acid wash mini-skirt high above the knee, nondescript button down subtle top buttoned almost all the way up and two strong muscular fine looking legs that didn’t seem to quit until falling into two high heels. On top, on top was a small tightly fitting wig of false blond hair with bangs hiding two eyes, both looking straight down, right down at the floor.

I went back to looking for what I came for, I still couldn’t find white hose.

Male Target® security guard and female Target® employee came walking by me now, both laughing. Female Target® employee says,

“I can’t even walk that good in heels.”

Male Target® security guard laughs louder.

I decide it is time for me to leave the hose section. I go off to the grocery section and I find chocolate pudding. I suddenly desired it after not wanting any in a very long time. I put the chocolate pudding in my empty red basket and this bothered me, this is not why I came to Target®, I did not come here for chocolate pudding. So I went back to the hose section and decided to just ask for help.

I saw a different female Target® employee sitting at a computer at a counter by the dressing rooms and hose section. I could only see her from the neck up, but this seemed like maybe it could be her section too. She seemed much younger than I am and I when I first said, “Excuse me?” She also seemed friendly. She had dark hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, was also wearing khaki pants and also wearing a red shirt. A very tight red shirt. This red shirt was so tight on her chest, one could see the outline and every seam of her bra underneath it and through it. This red shirt was very tight.

“Do you have any white hose?”

Red shirt,
“Um, I am not sure, let me check the computer. I don’t see any, let me ask.”

Red shirt goes on the store loudspeaker and asks.

The telephone next to her computer and behind the counter rings, red shirt answers, looks at me and asks,
“Is it for a woman?”


Red shirt,
“Sir, we only carry white hose for little girls.”

Me, turning red,
“Um, okay. Thank you for checking.”

I walked away from that counter and went to the check out, this Target® was closing soon.

My red basket upon checkout:

Sheer Energy Off White Control Top – $4.50
Hanes Sheer 2 Pack Black Knee High – $5.49
Oscar Mayer 16oz Family Size Turkey Meat – $5.49
Campbells Spaghetti O’s (2) – $1.88
Coca-Cola 2 Liter – $1.49
Chocolate Pudding Pack (6) – $3.04

Total w/ tax = $22.84

In my following visits to this Target® since that night and since I have now told you, I have made four photographs there. In the photograph I made of myself in the monitor, I didn’t know it when I took it, but the woman coming at me through those doors, She Hearts NY. I know this as I could see this written in black with a heart of red, right there on her white shirt.

I wonder how she knows I miss it.