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June 8th, 2011

Stomach Mesh Smoke

I saw the smoke coming, there was no way to drive around it, it was too late, I had to go through.

Not long before this, I had waited in my usual circle to catch a loved one falling from the sky. Now, I was alone going to where I stay as I had no where to else to go. I saw the smoke on the horizon and all the lights revolving in their circles in the dark, too. The men with guns who I learned this same day, sometimes hate me and you for our machines, would not let me stop, not let me turn around, I had to go through. So I put the windows down, let the smoke blow from one opening in my chariot across to the other and I took a deep breath in. It smelled like a home I had not known or smelled in almost 10 years. So I pulled over. I walked to far away where I could still not see any source, just smoke over the mesh of grass. I took another breath. Yes, this smell was Fall 2001 New York City smell.

Only differently different the same.

I couldn’t see anything from where I was. Others were spreading up the bank, the berm overlooking the other berm. All those revolving lights, all those men of paid help down there I couldn’t see, I didn’t want to see. The smoke was slowly leaving it’s source. The burning was ending. I couldn’t hear anything. No engines, no sirens, no radios. Just the slow of traffic, crawling by. Just the wind, crawling by, too. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know who said it, I cannot confirm it and I do not want to, but it seemed said from down there, where I couldn’t see or want to see. “We have had a fatality here.” When the smoke cleared, I saw a tree where I could not, before. It was 1:30:09am CST and 2:30:09am EST – 8 June 2011.

– – –

Later this tonight, I put chemicals in my body so I could sleep and then I waited for their victory over me. I did this as someone specific I love, somewhere, specific, this day, maybe right now, is having chemicals put in their body to put them to sleep, too. Only they were/are/going to sleep so they will not feel the pain when they lay down, on a table, to put be cut open, to be repaired with a mesh – Sometime 8 June 2011.

I also just learned that someone specific I love, loved one birthed a man, at 2:24am EST – 8 June 2011.

Today, right now or for all I know, much longer, my brain is victory over chemicals.

I will not lie down, till you wake up.

While I Guess You Were Sleeping

8 June 2011

learned later –

“Elizabeth, 22, was pronounced dead at the scene… just after 1 a.m.

A passer-by pulled the woman out of the burning vehicle, but she succumbed to her injuries, police said.”

known before –

If I had been born a woman, my name would have been Elizabeth.