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June 24th, 2013



When it was happening, while she was touching me, I realized there were rules happening I wasn’t in on. The limits, acts, ways, whatever, that made me realize, made me feel, like nothing but a customer or the random other the real things weren’t for anymore. I embraced this in the moment as it was all I could have, was allowed to have. I feared it was my last chance, moment, touch, so I pushed my face in with all my might and tried to not scream till my part was done. When it was all done I turned out to be correct against all my hopes. There would be no correction, chance of anything, again.



I swore to myself I would never tell her. Then some time later, I did. I was weak, I couldn’t hear what was being said to me through that phone, it was all so unreal to have unravel. All that I knew, all that I was told, all about everything, wasn’t a truth. So in all my weak, I shared the only secret I had in return.



A year, maybe two, thinking back upon my weak, upon what I had shared against my own will, I realized how wrong I had been. If I had been one of her few actual customers, I could have found some dignity. Her customers know that is all they are. I never got to be that kind of real, either.