i lied to nathan, 2 / 10 / 08.
.i told nathan i wouldn’t shoot till he was ready to go. his readiness is not in his control or mine. that was in november. i tried nathan, i did. then there was drama, delays. i thought i could hold off, i thought i was over it, part of me still feels i am. i thought the $ of it would be easy to let go, that the other $ spent in smarter places would take its place, that i could walk away. this morning i was bored. stir crazy. i wanted out. i paced and paced and waffled and waffled, then i reserved a car. i wanted to see if i had forgotten. see if i could maybe be ready for a comp again, in FL, in a couple weeks, without shooting for 3 months, my longest break since starting. the inspiration for pictures wasn’t here, around, i just don’t feel anything that makes me want to make any right now, the ho hum of life is in the way today. every february for three years this comp in FL calls me, and every year, i don’t go, scared i cannot shoot it well, afford it, always an excuse, each year the same. so this was a test, did i forget, lose that edge of the quest i had this fall, have no money for this, yes, yes, yes. yet i want to go, and now i had a day of practice, in one white squall after another, a ten degree drop in temperature from fucking cold to fucking colder from the time i started to the time i finished, the wind, the snow, the mush under my feet. how could FL be harder then this?
